*Warning, I speak in explicit detail about body image, eating habits, and eating disorders. If you are sensitive to this, please read on with caution.*
Being the active Tumblr that I am, I occasionally find things that pop up about “skinny shaming vs fat shaming”. As someone who was borderline underweight for majority of my childhood and teenage years, allow me to clue you in on something.
“You just need to gain ten pounds” or “Just eat a burger” was fed to be on a regular basis with both strangers and acquaintances from school (faculty and students). When I was in college, someone I knew said, “Damn, I could just break you in half if I wanted to”. While another said, “Dude, I could wrap my arms twice around you!”. One of the worst incidents in recent memories was when I went out to a diner with my grandfather and the waitress made a rather rude comment about my weight. She was trying to come off as “sweet and only joking”, but having been exposed to these kinds of bullshit comments my entire life, I was having none of it. I asked her (a bit sternly, but still respectful) to please not make such comments about my weight. She seemed a bit taken back and went along her way. My grandpa asked me why I was so sensitive. I told him, “When you hear the same dang thing from strangers and people you know alike on a regular basis, you would get sensitive to that as well”.
I have the metabolism of a horse, meaning it is very difficult for me to gain weight. If I am not careful, I drop weight like crazy. I have also had an eating disorder (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder) since I was a young child (which likely stemmed from my orphanage experience).
These experiences have gone so far as to dangerously infiltrating my psyche and causing very dangerous fetish fantasies for me in regards to weight loss, despite how I hold an extreme vexation for the “skinny shaming” comments. I feel like it’s a paradox.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have begun to read the book, 8 keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Grabb. It is one of the best “self help” books that I have ever found (and actually helps different eating disorders, not just binge eating and anorexia). I am also seeking a psychologist’s help with controlling my invasive thoughts and anxieties involving my body image and weight.